there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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