My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She needs sedatives and a leash
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
