hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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