When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Never underestimate the power of titties
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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