The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
