Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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