alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
