Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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