I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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