For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
50% drunk capacity currently
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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