Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
