did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
They took my balls.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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