I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
