proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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