Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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