Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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