she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
