I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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