if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
