I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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