Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
