I just made out with a guy for $7.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
