ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
