bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize