i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
