I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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