He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
