If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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