no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
