Don't you send me to vm
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
