I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
