He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
