Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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