somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
