Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
