My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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