I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
