I think I died a long time ago.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
