Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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