Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
