I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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