youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize