# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
