I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
