my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dignity is for republicans.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize