apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
