I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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