I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
