why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
