Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
