i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
