I haven't been this sober since birth.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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