I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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