sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize