I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
