Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
