Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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