Non-Jews are for practice
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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